“Do you have any other thing to say?” the police officer asked me. “No,” I said. “I already told you everything,” I replied. “You may leave now,” I was told and so I did after more than five hours of being detained at the police station. I know was expected to tell the truth but I couldn’t simply because doing so was suicidal. You see, everything that happened wasn’t my fault. They told me to do it and so I did because they say if I didn’t, they would kill me and my loved ones, which is something that I would never allow anyone to do.
It wasn’t the first time that I followed what the voices in my head told me to. The first time, they told me to kill a cat. “We hate how it walks and stare at you,” they said. “We want it dead. NOW,” they commanded and being the powerless guy that I was, I had no way of objecting. It was hard at first. After all, I always have a thing for cats. However, as I saw the first pool of blood pouring out the cat, something clicked inside of me. It made me happy. I wanted to see more. I wanted to feel more blood flowing onto my hands.
Sure, I tried many times to tell people that they are others living in my head by I never got the chance to. “Tell them and we’ll kill you,” they said. I was never afraid of being dead. In fact, I always look forward to the day that I’ll die. That day will be the best day of my life but it would also be the most devastating day of my life, simply because I’m claustrophobic and when you’re claustrophobic, the idea of being buried 6 ft under the ground doesn’t seem that appealing.
I still remember the first time I killed another human being. It was around midnight when it happened and I was innocent too. “That person is so rude,” the voices told me. “I want you to kill her slowly and mercilessly,” they demanded and I agreed. One of the benefits of having an innocent look is that people trust you not to harm them and that they automatically feel safe around you. The person wasn’t suspecting anything even when I was obviously following her. Every time she turned around, I gave an innocent smile and looked down.
The third time she looked behind, I was holding a knife and she was too slow as I stabbed her in the stomach, just enough to hurt her but not too much. “A quick kill is never worth it,” the voices told me once. “Shh,” I said at the person who looked at me in fear and disbelief. I pushed her onto the ground and stabbed her right eye with the same knife. “I bet you have always wanted to see what your right eye look like,” I told her. Having said that, I took out the right eye with the knife and waved it in front of her, so that her left eye would see.
“You know what?” I asked her. “Your tongue is too long,” I said. “Maybe I ought to shorten it up a little. You know. Just to give you a little makeover,” I continued. Seeing how worried she was, I reassured her by saying the words “Don’t worry. It’s completely free,” with a huge smile. Then, I forced open her mouth and pulled out her tongue before cutting it in half. She screamed of course but when you lost half of your tongue, your scream sounds more like voices animals would make.
Fortunately for her, before I could do anything else, I heard someone approaching and so, I slit her throat before shoving the knife into her throat, killing her instantly. I heard the screams that followed once passerby saw the dead body. I know what I did was wrong and I sometimes felt guilty about it. However, most of the time, my hunger for blood and the fear of losing those who are close to me overcome my guilt. Sometimes in life, not everything that happened is your choice. Everyone is a puppet that is controlled by someone or something and people like me have stories of their own. Different people have their own regrets and what you are reading is my regret.
This is my apology.
(To be continued)